Being South Asian With Scars
Updated: Apr 11, 2020
It's sad to say this but being Asian is not easy, not saying that being of any other culture isn't easier. As I have grown into my 30s my entire 20s were dedicated to confusion, pain, and lack of affection. I was trying to figure out who I was, what my purpose was, what makes me content.
Came to realize through therapy that I was a wreck due to my childhood and the way Asians tend to treat there children from age 1-18. Some even older (I am so sorry) but, the core age a child is absorbing and developing emotional memories is 0-8. I love my parents don't get me wrong they did so much for me and they only wanted the best. I believe since I was the first born I was what you want to call the "Guinea Pig Child" so it not like the intentionally made some mistakes they just did not know.
You don't have to be Asian to feel this honestly. It's just some parents, but this affected me tremendously. I hated being compared to my, neighbor, cousins, family friends and worse my OWN friends! This caused me to develop the issue of not feeling "good enough." Hearing your cousin or best friend is smarter than you are hurts so bad. Allowed me to enable the feeling that I wasn't pleasing my parents or making them proud.
No Open Communication
There was no such thing as me having a boyfriend in high school, if I even tried to communicate with my mom about a guy it was cool but getting into anything serious or having a simple crush was not okay. I would immediately get in trouble and yelled at, which enabled me to close the door to communicate with them. I started realizing what I felt didn't matter, which lead me to my next issue not being "accepted" by my own parents.
Full Of Secrets
I became that child that just completely hid her entire childhood from her parents when growing up. I snuck out so many times and from so many different places in my house because my dad equally as smart as me installed a security system on the doors. I got caught eventually and, lets just say that didn't stop me!
Because of hiding relationships, personal pain, grades etc... I feel till today that I basically raised myself emotionally. I couldn't receive any guidance from my parents which I truly need had they have allowed communication to be an actually thing.
Traumatizing Memories/Negative Reinforcement
There are some personal things that my parents made me go through that truly caused me to feel that they weren't happy with the way I was. I was told I am "dumb, stupid a failure" several times. That shit hurt yo. It hurt to the core, how is that the two people that mean the most to me are not happy with me, I can't seem to make them proud? My mom kind of always had my back which would lead to my parents always blowing up in fight because of me. That was the worst, I felt like everything I did my mom tried to protect me and my dad just didn't get it. At some point I stopped even listening or staying home, as I got older I stayed out more and drowned myself in cafes. Eventually, I learned I needed to do what was best for me.
Again, I adore my parents I know now being wiser that they were raised this way. My mom was always chill she was raised in a much more modern and liberal way. Verses my dad he was the one with the most awful upbringing hence why he treated me the only way he knew too. I thank them for giving me a great roof over my head, feeding me good food and spoiling me rotten but, one thing they couldn't give me was affection, reassurance and support.
My Fellow Adolescences
If you ever need someone to talk to you can confide in me. I am here for you and understand you, do not keep dwelling about feelings alone. Make a good strong group of friends who can support you. Reach out, do not be afraid! If you need to seek therapy I highly recommend you should look into and start. The earlier you get help and figure out what you feel the better it is! Start repairing the wounds early!